Momma’s Monday Memo #1- “Mom Guilt”

Welcome to our first official Monday Memo. I can’t tell you how happy I am that this found you and how relieved I am to make it to Monday.

This week were chatting about Mom Guilt, why its total bullsh*t and why its not our fault.

Currently I’m writing in my bed, snuggled under all my favorite blankets looking like a character out of Avatar. I’ve got my hair slicked back with rosemary oil, my face painted with the Bluephoria FHF mask that I adore and my body slathered in Shea butter desperately trying to redeem my winterized skin.

My current season of motherhood is that of very little alone time and even less sleeping alone.  Honestly, any long stretch of sleep seems like a far off hope.  We’ve all been there.  My little one is getting his second set of molars and entering that strange grey stage that is no longer a baby but not yet a toddler. *Momentary mental pause for my brain to belt out “I’m not a girl, I’m not yet a woman” by Britney Spears*.

This week I found myself feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed by my emotions at nap time and bedtime. Holding my little one in my arms with him flopping and flailing all over me, refusing to sit still, it was sending me into a full spiral. Between the lack of sleep and the rising frustration at the blatant refusal my toddler was giving me for sleep, I had reached my breaking point.  I found myself reaching for my phone as a welcome distraction to my rising feelings of agitation and anger as I continued to rock my own personal Donnie Thornberry. 

My mind was moving in overdrive, paging through the lists of things I needed and wanted to do during nap time. The thoughts and ideas racing so fast that the feeling of my body being still set every nerve ending in my body on fire as my mind was screaming at me to get up and move.

Why hello my old friend fight or flight, I am in fact just trying to rock my child to sleep not being set on fire. Could ya chill out? Thanks.   

In these moments I forget how connected kids are to their parents emotions, especially their mother. I forget that my little one can feel my mind being miles away, that he feels the lack of mental presence and attention I’m giving him in those moments.  It will never cease to amaze me at how perceptive we all are as children. The way our parents handled their emotions, stress and triggers from their childhood shaped us in our childhood. Just like how we handle our own emotions and reactions will shape our children in theirs.

My son wasn’t intentionally trying to defy me, he wasn’t being bad or not listening. He simply wanted my full attention in anyway he could get it.  And when that realization kicked in, so did that feeling of guilt that we all refer to as “ mom guilt”.  

But mom guilt for what exactly?
For being human?
For being overwhelmed?
For being overly tired because I was supporting my sons needs all through the night?
  For feeling angry I didn’t have enough time in the day?
For feeling like I was failing because I couldn’t do it all?

Well please hear me when I say:
It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault that you can’t handle it all.
It’s not your fault that you can’t get it all done.
It’s not your fault that you can’t keep up with the amount society says you need to.
It’s not us, It’s society. 

As mothers we are instinctively caring, nurturing and giving. We want to give our children the best of everything. We want to raise humans who are good, kind, smart and thriving parts of society. No mom wants their kid bullied or isolated, or worse yet to become the bully.  In today’s society moms feel the pressure more than ever to do it all, be it all and have it all. We are consumers, we’ve been convinced that a certain bassinet or sleep sack will solve all the problems you have for putting your kids to sleep. That you need to have the most high tech baby monitor and most expensive stroller set on the market because it’s the best. Don’t you want them to have the best? To be the safest? Essentially instilling in you that if you can’t afford the products that you are less than and not as good of a mom as the woman on your phone screen preaching that it’s a “must have”. This isn’t shade to any women who can afford it and do buy the expensive things, there is nothing wrong with that.
I’m simply stating that no matter what, your worth as a mother and as a person is never tied to what you can do or what you can buy.

We all deserve to live in a world where moms are appreciated, helped and valued the way they should be. Not put on the back burner and forgotten then blamed when we don’t live up to society’s ideals and  unrealistic expectations.  You deserve to thrive in your motherhood journey, to embrace the happiness that comes from enjoying our children at their purest without the constant “mom guilt”.
The first step towards that is in your own mind. 

Every good mom feels guilt sometimes, for me it’s a reminder that I do want the best for my kid and that keeps me motivated and hungry to grow into a version of myself that can give him the best.
However, the best is not a product or something you can buy.
The best is the version of you that can show up to the rocking chair present, untriggered, with understanding, compassion, time and space for our little ones to learn the most valuable tool we can give them.
Learning how to regulate their emotions.

But that’s a whole other chat for another day, back to it:

Mom guilt, is a phrase we throw around like its just a fact of motherhood, and to some degree I believe that. What most of us don’t realize is that guilt goes hand in hand with shame. Healthy shame is what keeps our moral compass going, it helps us recognize when we’ve done something wrong and the need to make amends.  Toxic shame is the feeling of worthlessness and self disdain that so many of us feel when we make a mistake.  It convinces you that you are a failure, that you don’t deserve patience, kindness and love.  It is the voice in your head that screams you are a horrible mom for snapping at your kids, that you are a failure for not getting the 100 item to do list done no matter how unrealistic it is.

The great news? 
You can heal. 
You have the power to unlearn the toxic shame spiral.

How? 
By learning to love yourself on the deepest level. 
By allowing others to love and help you.
Paired with a firm knowing that you are allowed to make mistakes, to be human and that you are enough.  Now this is not an easy task, it took me therapy and years of practicing an uncomfortable amount of self love. Some days I still fall short and that toxic shame is standing outside the door just waiting for the tiniest crack of self doubt to sneak right back into my mind.  

The difference? The love for myself is now root deep and hopefully our little chat today made you feel you deserve the same.
You are worthy of the time and space to heal in the deepest ways, to ditch “mom guilt” and to find out what its like to love yourself so deeply that it’s unshakable.

You’ve got this, Momma.
You are not alone.
We are in this together.

Until next Monday. Please Remember…